Anxiety is a bitch, I tell you

Hey, all!

It's been awhile since my last post. Mostly because I don't have the time to sit down and write a long blog post, but also because I've lacked the energy and will to do it. Not sure why I want to write now, but I felt the urge as a thought hit me.

Ever heard of anxiety? Yeah, you most definitely have and you maybe even suffer from it at times.
I didn't think I did until I got diagnosed with fatigue syndrome with a touch of depression after my youngest child was born. Her first year was insane and I basically lived one hour at the time, dreading and yearning for bedtime. She slept really badly and was a child that needed lots of closeness and comfort. I'm not a closeness kind of gal. I need space and during stress I tend to be even less inclined to touch or talk to anyone. Pair that with being a mom of two and a wife and things clash. It's been about three years since my "diagnose" (sounds weird) and I'm still not good. I'm better, but as soon as life starts to get stressful, I'm right back, veering towards the bottom. I, unfortunately, take it out on my family by being prickly and angry and rude. Which makes me more stressed out and more anxious and therefore more prickly and angry and rude. Funny how that works, right?

Anyway, I've been having a stressful couple of months and I'm there, teetering at the edge of the ravine. I'm trying to calm myself, take care of myself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
One good thing about these last few years is that I've made some retrospect thinking.

Was I always like this or have it come with the exhaustion?

I don't know? I mean, I've always had super low self-esteem, but I can't really remember if anxiety has hit me like this. I got anxious and worried, of course, but not like now. I do think it has to do with my low self-esteem, paired with my fear of being bad at something, that wraps themselves up in a neat little mix to explode into anxiety. I'll talk about that in another post, I just typed it out and it got way too long for this one.
My anxiety is pretty mild. Not to me, of course, but in comparison to others. I generally don't break down and cry, I have hyperventilated maybe thrice in my life and I don't exactly close off from the world. I just get very stuck in my head, have problems concentrating and just feel bad. I'm very, very mean to myself. I mean, I wouldn't even be that awful to my worst enemy. Every time I get into the "foggy place" (that's what it feels like to me) I tell myself to suck it up, I'm worthless and useless and, here's the best part, because it's one of my sorest spots, I'm the absolute worst mom on the planet and my kids will be scarred for life by living with me.

So yeah... I'm a real treat to be with, as you can tell. (Humor is the best defense/deflection, I've been taught, ha).

How do I deal with anxiety? I don't, generally. I stick my head in the sand and wait for it to pass on it's own. But, that is not a recommended method. I've started trying to, if not think positive thoughts, at least not focus on the negative ones. Being my own worst enemy also means I'm the only one to get myself to back the hell off. It's not much, but it's a start. I also try to think about what causes my anxiety and discuss with my husband (and my bestie) what I could do differently. That's a big one, though, and it can feel terrifying and impossible. But, sometimes, just talking about it helps. Also, being alone with a good book and Netflix is good medicine for me.

Take care and thanks for reading my rambling!

/ Denise