When stuff's just bad

Why is it so hard to just let things go? To lighten up, be carefree and take responsibilities?
Right now, I should be studying. I'm way behind and what am I doing instead? Scrolling on my phone, listening to an audiobook, writing here. I am the absolute worst. I've got three months left of school and I don't know if I can do it. I don't even know if I can work anymore. I don't know if I can do this at all, anymore. Not in the sense that I don't want to live anymore, just, like... I need to change something. Drastically.

It's not as if I don't like my life. I love my life and I'm so blessed to have a good job, roof over my head, a good husband, great kids. Nothing of that is remotely wrong. So why don't I feel good about it? The problem has to be me. I don't like myself. In fact, I'm probably the least favorite person I know. My husband gets furious when I talk like this, but what he doesn't understand is that I'm serious. I'm not looking for attention, I'm looking for confirmation. I know that I'm worthless at basically everything. Sure, I can do ordinary stuff, like keep the kids fed with not-particularly-nutritious food, clean the house, do my work without getting fired - you know, things that people without any sort of diagnose or disease or other things in life that hinders them, should be able to do. I don't do it well, but I don't have anything that's keeping me from doing it. So, yes, I can keep myself and my kids alive while bringing in money. But then, there are all the other stuff. My brain shuts down and I can't think. I should be studying right now, like I said. But when I start to read the material I should, my thoughts drift, my eyes grow heavy and when I manage to read the words, I just feel so goddamn stupid. Aren't I supposed to be the smart one here? Weren't I smart once? I swear I was. But, I guess my glory years was in my teens, like every other sad sack out there.

Okay, sorry, I'm rambling. Is this therapeutic? I don't know. Sometimes I guess it's just nice to get it out of the system. Like when I'm having a bad day, like today.

Why is this a bad day? It's been a long week and a longer weekend before this glorious Monday. I've had a bunch of people around me for far too long. It doesn't matter that they're my relatives, some days even my family is too much for me to bear. And I hate it! I should be able to spend a couple of days away in a big city, drinking some wine, eating good food, enjoying myself in the company of others - but no, the day after we get home, I'm a complete mess and have no energy left. I should be able to have my relatives over for a couple of nights, spending time with them and my own family - but no, the same day as they leave, I wake up with a huge headache that won't go away and today (the day after) I'm having trouble not breaking down into tears.

To top it all of, my body hurts like the devil. As in, my entire body. Why? Because I'm too much of a effing mess to keep myself healthy, which I need to do for my mind to be healthy, so I spiral even more down the drain.

Sorry, rambling again. Anyway, I really don't have time for this. Think, how easy it is to write a billion word essay on self-pity, but so freaking impossible when it comes to the subject of my paper.

I'm probably going to regret this post in an hour or so.

Take care,
Denise